Friskies "Adventureland"

Apparently, eating friskies makes you high...

People Watching

Dear blog. I haven't written in you in a long time. I am sorry. I'll try to be a better friend.

Right now, I am sitting in the airport and I am shocked at the situation. So, the lady just announced that our flight is delayed for maintenance problems. So far, the board says that the flight is only delayed for an hour, but they said that it wasn't for sure. I'm all good since I called the ticketing agents and my three hour delay in Minneapolis covers this one hour delay here. But people are flipping out like crazy. I just can't believe how impatient and rude people are being. I don't think that the Delta people are helping the situation any since one is kind of snippy. Just thought I'd share how funny people are being right now. And by funny I mean crazy.

News

I went to to the doctor today.  He said, "How are things?"  I said, "Same as normal.  "Same as normal?" he asked.  Then he laughed and said, "You're not normal."
Yes, people, it has been medically verified.

Depressing

How depressing! I just looked back at my blogs from 2008 (since I just wrote one about the history of my dumb stomach problems) and it is super depressing. Surgery in October and again in December. Now it is more than a year later, and I am still having problems! Errrg! Only now, instead of having surgeries, it is more like, "Oh, well. There isn't anything we can do for you. Have fun trying to figure out how to deal with that!" Don't get me wrong, I don't crave more surgeries, but if I could have one that could cure me, I would sign up this instant.

OK, enough with my crying pity party. I'll be back with more inspirational… well, humorous, stories about my life and ideas.

Irony

Here's a story about irony (not to be confused with Shy Ronnie, the SNL skit!)

First a little background. I have major stomach issues that, as many stomach issues are, have been a guessing game for my doctors. (Why does it have to be that way? And why do I have to suffer for long periods of time just so they can take another stab of what it could possibly be?) Anyway, right now, the diagnosis is gastroparesis which is when the nerves of your stomach are damaged which delays your stomach emptying process. Usually this is a complication of diabetes (then why do I have it? Who knows?) So, I have this vomiting problem. Sorry to say it, but it is imperative to the story. In October of 2008, I had a procedure called an ERCP and the doctor put stents into my bile ducts. Do you remember that, loyal reader? They had me on major medications (many of which were really nice…) one of them being ativan. Usually, ativan is used for helping people with anxiety, but it can also help to reduce stomach cramps, which was a nice side effect of the surgery.

Fast forward to last weekend. I go through these bouts of feeling fine and then not being able to eat a thing without getting sick. This weekend was a bad one. I was searching around my medicine drawer for something that I could take (because I have been prescribed so many things, but not much helps) and I came across an ativan that I had saved… from a year and a half before. I guess I never wanted to take the last one because I thought that I should save it for a time when I really needed it. So, digging around in my medicine drawer, I come across this one, little pill and think, "Well, now would be a good time to take it." It sat there forever, just waiting for the emergency that it would take for me to use it.

I took the pill. Ten minutes later, I threw it up. (Was that too gross? Sorry if it was.) How's that for irony? Saved it all that time, and when I finally decided to use it, I was thwarted by my own body! Figures.

Fate

Let me tell you a story about fate. Or, rather, let me tell you a story about luck, Whether dumb luck, blind luck or just bad luck, I'm not sure; you decide. A few weeks ago, on a Friday morning, I had a plan before work: go to the library, go to the post office, and go to Tim Horton's. All things to do for that day, but not necessarily in that order. It just so happens that there are a Tim Horton's really close to the library and a library really close to the post office very close to where I live. I thought, "I'll do that all right away and the go to work." Then I decided (for once, I was being smart and thinking ahead) to check to see if I could roll down my window. You know how in the winter, sometimes it gets frozen in place? I hate going through a drive thru and not being able to roll down the window. Then you have to open your door to order and look like a doofus? When I tried to roll it down, it was stuck, so I thought, "Oh, well. I drive all the way to school (because there is another Tim's and post office very close to where I work) and just drop the books off after school." So that was the new plan. Well, I decided to try just one more time to get the window down, and voila! It worked! So I went the alternate route that took me to the Tim's close to my house. (This is where BAD luck steps in.) On this alternate route to work, a route that I never travel in the mornings, I got a speeding ticket. Yes, a speeding ticket for going 35 in a school zone during restricted hours. Oh, oh, it hurts so much! I almost didn't even go that way. If only my stupid window had stayed frozen, or if I hadn't tried it one more time, this whole disaster could have been averted.

And that is my story about dumb luck.

Does Everyone’s Brain Work This Way (Or is it Just Me?)

So, we were singing today in church and I was reminded of a few songs that always make me laugh because I get funny mental images when I sing them. One example: Kneel at the Cross. I always get this picture of Neil Diamond in my head, as in "Neil at the cross." Hanging out at the cross, playing Sweet Caroline or something. Another example: When All Of God's Singers Get Home. For this one, I always get this picture of sewing machines (you know SINGER sewing machines?) walking around in heaven.

Please tell me: am I the only one who thinks this way? Well, at least it is amusing in this head of mine…

Recession Era: Are We Doomed?

I was wondering about today's economy and how it will affect our national psyche in the years to come. (Yes, I kind of do think about these things, but not as seriously as you might think.) Here is what I am wondering. How will I know if my actions are based on wanting to save money or if I am just cheap? You know, our grandparents who grew up in the Depression Era are very unique in the fact that they will do anything to save a buck, whether it is buying all household products from the Dollar Store, or reusing paper towels. What? I need to replace the roof? Don't worry about it; I just did that a few years back (translation: 30 years ago.)

Well, I've been doing a few things that make me wonder if I am motivated by the bleak economic times or if I am just a tight wad. Two specific examples come to mind. Number 1: I take as many napkins as I can from restaurants (especially Chipotle, for some reason) and use those to supplement my own, bought napkin supply. Number 2: When I remember, I ask for ketchup from the drive thru (even though I have ketchup at my house) so that I can, again, supplement my own ketchup supply (aka, squeezing the ketchup packets into my big ketchup bottle.) Does this make me cheap, or am I trying to save a buck when and where I can? Maybe it means I'm trying to "stick it to the man" whenever I can (and I'm too chicken not to pay my taxes!) Don't even get me started about the "going green" aspect. Between wanting to save our planet's resources and wanting to save my personal cash, as a nation, we might be in for a very rocky and mentally unstable future.

Winter Thoughts

Why is it that milk is the thing to get at the store when there is a big snow storm coming?  "Oh, no.  Blizzard, I better make sure I have enough milk."  That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and yet, I am running low on milk, and for a minute, I had this little panic inside my head.  "What?  I'm almost out of milk?  But how can that be?  I am in a snow storm.  I need to have milk."  Then I came to my senses and realized that I have a sink that gives me water anytime I am thirsty.

Another thing.  I've been looking for a new winter coat because the zipper on mine broke, and I cannot find them!  I was in Meijer today and I could not find coats or boots, but I could find bathing suits.  Now, can you tell me how that makes any sense.  7 - 10 inches of snow (on top of the other two storms within the past week and a half,) and I can't buy a coat or boots.  If I followed the logic of Meijer, I'd be out shoveling in my bikini! (Umm, actually, I don't own a bikini.  But if I wanted one, I know where I can buy one.)

Kids are the best

(Whoa, that title seems pedophile-icious, sorry about that.)
What I mean to say, is that I love being a teacher because every day brings a new insight into the mind of a child.  (I probably don't need too much insight into the minds of children, because my own mind basically functions like that of a thirteen year old boy, but that's a story for another day, I guess.)

Last week, I had a great "kid moment."  I have a new room, and the kids are really excited to play all the games that we haven't been able to play all year.  One of the most favorite activities is a game called freeze dance: turn on the music - dance, turn the music off - freeze.  In my first grade class, the kids always ask, "Can we play freeze dance?" and I usually say, "We may if we have time at the end," which basically translates into, "It's not in my plans for today, so probably not."

So, like every day, someone asked, and I said my usual answer. The unusual part about this time was that one of the little boys raised his hand and said, "I really can't do my funniest freeze dance today.  See, my leg really hurts and I use that leg for my funniest freeze dance."  He was dead serious, like I would be really worried if I saw him dancing and he wasn't being uber-funny. 

So I was serious right back, "Oh, I see," I said.  "That's OK, So you can't do your funniest dance because your leg hurts so you'll only be medium funny for today." 

"Yeah, I can only be a medium funny dancer today," he agreed.

So, funny and so darn cute!

Love her

Giant Picture on Truck

I was driving behind an Ice Mountain water truck a few days ago and saw this picture for a kids water bottle called an "aquapod." Except it really looked like, "aquapoo." Aquapoo!  Ha! I had that in my head all day.

Place to go Up or Down

The other day I was looking at the giant pile of shoes at my front door and I thought, "Boy, I really wish that I had a place to put these shoes." Then I realized that I do. They are called closets and I have two of them up in my bedroom. But my shoes never seem to make it that far. I blame my childhood. You see, when I was a kid, I lived in a house that doesn't have a floor on the entry level. There is just a small, tiled area with a coat closet and then two flights of steps, to the right if you want to go upstairs, to the left if you want to go down. In fact, when I was a kid, I gave this area a special name "the place where you decide to go up or down (witty, I know). The only good use for this place is to stash your shoes upon entering. (I also grew up with a distinct, mother-influenced hatred of wet shoe prints on the carpets.) Now that I live in a real house that actually has rooms attached to the entry, it is really hard to give up the "open door, shoes off" routine that I had as a child. I'm trying to create new habits though, since the first floor was turning into the sea of shoes.

Blerg! Been home too long two.

What happened to my post before this one called "Been home too long?" Blerg! Erased? Aw, it was funny too (by the way, completely random, but I just tried to write the word "it" seven times because it kept on coming out "ti." One of these days, I'll give you post with no corrections. See if you can make sense of it.)

OK here goes Been home too long take two:
I've been home for three days with strep throat and I have seen some really strange things on TV. These things might seem like they are jokes, but they are not, they are real things that real people are trying to sell.

Example one: 3 minute legs.


Excuse me, who came up with the idea to work out your legs by putting something up your hoo hoo? OK, I'm not crazy, because Ellen thinks it is weird too.


Example 2: Slap Chop remix (is this guy still employed because he beat up a prostitute a while back, maybe this is the solution, autotune the old commercials)


"Watch this, you're gonna love my nuts." Hilarious!

Amanda’s Vaccine

I'm going to tell you a story, boys and girls.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Amanda who lived in her grandma's 100 year old house. Amanda had many problems breathing in her grandma's house. Yes, that little girl was me (although this really only happened about three years ago, so little? Not so much).

I went to the allergist, and surprise of surprises, I have mucho allergies. I believe I've told this story before where the nurse did all the little pokes on my back and then came back and nearly screamed in fright, then ran out to get the other nurses saying, "You've gotta come and see this one." Oh yes, but it didn't hurt my feelings, only confirmed what I already knew: that I am a freak. (The nurses decided, by the way, that my back looked like a Christmas tree, all lit up with red, irritating dots instead of twinkly lights). They also discovered through blood work that I have no natural immunity to many common things like strep, flu and pneumonia. So, they called me back in to the office a few weeks later to have three shots: flu vaccine (not the one you get at Kroger, a different one, and this was before H1N1), pneumonia vaccine (usually given to the elderly) and a tetanus booster. They gave all three in generally the same place on the same arm.

Next day, my arm feels really terrible. I call the office, and the nurse who gave me the shot was like, "Buck up, lass, tetanus shots always feel a little sore. It's normal." (She wasn't actually Scottish or anything, I just made that up.) But I'm pretty tough, and this pain made me want to cry. So I went home, took my temperature and it was a whopping 104 degrees. My arm was red and swollen going up to my neck. I went to the doctor again the next day, and he gave me major antibiotics because the shots had created a cellulites situation. Yikes! And he said that they were changing the "shot-giving" policy because of me: he figured it was common sense that if you were giving more than one shot, that you would alternate arms, but now he would put it in writing.

So, because of this issue in my past, I am a little scared to get shots, you can understand why. (If you don't, then stop reading my blog, just kidding! I am desperate! Keep reading even if you think I am a wimp…please…) This past Tuesday, I went to get the H1N1 vaccine. My dad has been bugging me non-stop about it. I went in and got the shot. The Kroger guy gave me the shot and it bled like crazy. He was not really prepared for that and was kind of running around the room looking for some gauze or something. He said, "That is so strange, these never bleed," and I said, "I'm strange," (like a dork).

That night, my arm has a bump and bruise where I got the shot and I was a little freaked. Turned out to be nothing (although, when I started to feel sick about five days later with a high temperature, I wondered if this was a delayed reaction… turned out to be strep, as in the other thing that I have no natural immunity to, as mentioned above, were you paying attention?). I still have the bruise though.

(Boy, I just told that whole story, and it really seemed to go nowhere. Sorry if you were disappointed by thatJ)

One more thing I found funny about getting the H1N1 vaccine. Every time I would see my dad, he'd be, "Get the vaccine, get the vaccine, get the vaccine." (He wouldn't say it three times consecutively, but at least three times every time I saw him.) So when I did finally get it, I had this (short) text conversation with him: (real conversation here people, my phone saves these things!)

ME: Got my H1N1 shot u should be happy 2 know. I bled like a stuck pig; he said it was weird

DAD: Good, now you don't have to worry

Me worry? Now HE doesn't have to worry about me. Cute.

Teaser

Can I tell you two things that are completely random and unrelated (except for the fact that they are both, probably, extremely inappropriate and could cause me embarrassment?) Wow. That is a great teaser. What I really should do now is say, "Never mind," and you would be so intrigued and wonder at what I was about to say. But I'm much nicer than that.

1: My cats love paper. Any kind of paper at all, they love. Well, they have a special favorite. They love tampon wrappers. Not tampons, but the crinkly paper they come in. My cats will actually dig in the trash and take out all the tampon wrappers. Then they drag them all over the house so that I am constantly finding wrappers in the most bizarre places. This could lead to embarrassing moments, but, lucky for me and my tampon wrapper-loving cats, no one comes over to my house.

2: I get cold sores. They are painful and embarrassing; I hate them! Well, when we were at sweet adelines international competition in Nashville this fall, I felt one coming on. What a bummer; I was mad. Then, one of the ladies from my chorus, who is a nurse, told me of a natural remedy that is a sure thing: earwax. Yes, I thought the same thing, "Gross! You're telling me to put gunk from my ear onto my lips?" But, desperate times call for desperate measures and the last cold sore I had looked like I had a grape stuck under my lip, so I tried it. Guess, what? I completely worked! So, next time you feel one coming on, do the ear wax thing. Just don't tell anyone. (Unless you have a blog, in which case, it is OK).

Making promises I can't keep

I was reading through old postings and I realized that I used to be much funnier. Whoa. I have really been slacking lately. I mean, I was super witty in some of my posts. I need to step up my game big time (did you put a Jamaican accent with the words "big time," like they do in "I Love You Man?" I mean a Jamaican accent that sounds like a leprechaun? Just checking.)

I blame winter. I mean, who can be funny when it is cold and snowy? It is a challenge.

Heard this great quote in a movie. It in no way relates to my life, but I wish it did!

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

Am I Crazy?

I just had to start a new counter on this blog. It was driving me nuts that it said 12,000 when I knew that couldn't be right. Is that too weird? It was bugging me, so there…it is done.

By the way, I just watched Julie and Julia today and that made me feel really bummed about my blog. I am so not famous yet for this one. I need a gimmick. I need something that will make me become rich from this vortex into which I pour my (sometimes disturbing) thoughts.

I Need a Hobby

(this has nothing to do with this post other than the title of the thing: did you ever hear my story about the cahsier at Wal-Mart (excuse me, Wal-Marts) who looked at me when I was checking out of the store and said (and I quote) "you look like a lady in need of a hobby."!!!)

One of the many wonderful things about me, that you may not know, is that I tend to take pictures of my medical maladies and then show them to others. I think that this must be a by-product of living alone. I must feel the need to have some proof that this actually happened to me. For example, when I had the worst case of pink-eye ever? Took a picture (that is a lie, I actually took several just to give the time-elapse feel to the experience). Want to show people that two of my surgery scars look like little pink worms? You guessed it, take a picture and send it via text message.

Today, I found this patch of dry skin on my leg and I was telling my mom about it at rehearsal tonight. Then I said, "I took a picture," and for some reason that cracked her up. She had to hide her head in her music while she was laughing. At least she accepts that I am strange.

Moral of the story . . . I guess be cautious when you get a picture text from me. You never know what it might contain!

Avatar

My mom's birthday was last Thursday. Since there was a snowstorm, we couldn't do anything that day. Sooooo, the next day, my mom and I went to Bonefish Grill and saw Avatar at the Rave movie theatre at Polaris. I guess it was a night of firsts because I've never been to Bonefish Grill before. It was pretty good. I have also never seen a movie in 3D before. Unless you could Capitan EO which I saw at Epcot in, like, 1988. That was one with the glasses where one eye is red and one eye is blue and is pretty lame. But this 3D was so awesome! Way better than seeing a red/ blue Michael Jackson.

Memories from one who is a tad bit obsessed with food

I was snacking today at work. It was one of those new girl scout fundraiser things where they sell snacky-type items in little tins. This was something like Cajun Snack Mix. In Cajun Snack Mix, there are these little sesame nugget things that remind me of the sesame-cracker-nugget things that they had as a salad topper on the Wendy's salad bar. Remember the salad bar at Wendy's? I loooooved eating at Wendy's and getting the salad bar because it made me feel so grown up. I'm not really sure if it was a truly quality salad bar because I was, like, eight, but I did love that thing. Oh, whatever happened to you, Wendy's salad bar? I miss you so awfully much.

Dishwasher Dilemma

I broke a chopstick the other day. Did you know that chopsticks fall through the little holes of the dishwasher really easily? I usually just hand wash them, but decided to put them in the dishwasher. Then, when I was pulling the rack out, the chopstick that had fallen halfway through snapped right in half! So, lesson learned, I need to put them upside down so that they can't fall through.

Now I have another dilemma: I have an uneven number of chopsticks! I'm pretty sure that I won't be using all six pairs at once anytime soon, but this odd number of chopsticks is really bothering me. (I've actually contemplated throwing out one perfectly fine chopstick so that I'll be back to an even number!) If only all of life's problems were so mundane!